I wrote a decent post on watching my son make messes. It was eye opening and honest and told the story of how important it is to let your kids make messes for the simple fact that it’s important to seeeeeeeeee what they are doing. To see how they are learning and for me, to take the edge off the inconvenience of the mess. But right before I pressed “Publish” I found myself cringing at the writing and recognizing a certain ‘do this!’ that I hate about most blogs and believe to be the root of most conflict in the world.

Deleted.

I wrote a pretty good, albeit completely emotional post about a new path I am walking called Being a Doula and I semi-objectively wrote about the benefits of doulas, and of course my ability to be the best doula you will ever have, and almost pressed “Publish” but then decided not to. It was a post that was slightly too preachy, slightly geared towards selling myself and it made me cringe.

Deleted.

I thought about writing about my visceral rejection to self promotion, and how I see other’s doing it and they look so beautiful and so happy and I feel like I could maybe be more successful if I just did it, but then I cringe and know that it’s not coming from an authentic place and that is something I cannot get comfortable with, and in some ways that makes me successful, but in other ways that ensures that I will never be. When did being authentic get anybody anywhere? I mean, really?

Somewhere in the depths of this computer I have a saved post about mental illness. I didn’t publish that because the truth is I believe more educated people than me should be writing posts about mental illness.

Deleted.

I have a saved post about the differences between my self as a young 20 year old and a young 30 year old, and how much it sometimes hurts to see those difference in pictures, played out in memories and in lost friendships. It’s a post that takes the reader through some life changing moments 10 years ago that now seem to have been experienced by a different woman than I am today, and poses the question of whether or not that’s true for all of us. By the end of my writing I was almost too lost in the past to feel like I really had a handle on what I was trying to say, and thought about starting a new post that spoke to the power of glorifying our past, but then was too tired and

Deleted.

My cat. ISIS. Being Crafty. Sesame Street vs The Muppets. Facebook creeping. Avoiding opening mail. Complimenting a woman in a beautiful dress in the parking lot and rejuvenating my hope for mankind. Crushes on movie stars and realizing I am older than most of them. Like, foaming at the mouth because I was to spend money on things things things for me me me. Vancouver vs Ottawa. Halifax vs Ottawa. Style change as we age. Collecting art. Sending mail. Birthday parties. Oh that’s a good one. I’ll probably write about that one soon.

I have an endless list of things going through my mind that seem important and then I go to publish and I change my mind. Unless it feels authentic, I can’t do it. So today, the only thing that feels right is to admit to all the topics I would pollute the internet with but decide not to. That every idea or post idea is meticulously thought about and only shared if it passes my test for being honest, maybe informative, open to connectedness with others and non preachy.

Publish to Wrinkles and Dust.