EI broke up with me today. Just like that, without any explanation, it left. No note, no good-bye. I saw it coming, I can’t lie. I knew our time together was limited, that we would only last for as long as I needed it. Of course, the pain of it going away convinces me that we were soul mates, that I can’t live without it. I want to chase it down and beg it to stay. There is so much I we didn’t do. I spent hours, days, weeks imagining all the things I wanted to accomplish with it, and yet like so many other broken relationships of my past, I never managed to fulfill those imaginings before I was left on my own. Through a hazy fog of panicked tears, I search for signs that it may not be over yet, that there is at least a date in the future that will see each other and collide and engage in crazy make up spending. But nothing. It’s gone. And as much as it hurts to admit, I know it’s not coming back. It’s left me and found some new woman, some new idiot mama to give her all the dependancy she needs for a short while, only to sneak out in the middle of the night when her time is up. What an asshole. What a heartless way to sucker me in – with the sweet promise of security and a carefree lifestyle – only to yank it out from under me and laugh at me as I wonder where I will find the resources to create that feeling again. After months of getting used to this life – of being home and engaging in a way that brings sense into the world; of providing for a family and teaching children to grow up strong and kind; of eating wisely; of nurturing humans both young and middle-aged with attention; of developing cleaning, multi-tasking, cooking, organizing skills; after months of this, I am left to whiplash myself and my family out of this lifestyle and head back into a different existence. One that stretches us this and still doesn’t give us enough to make sense of the sacrifice.

I can hear your sweet laughter, EI. I can hear your whisper, once telling me that it will all be okay, now laughing about my panic and saying ‘I told you this would never work.”

But have a secret, EI. You can taunt me with your paycheque and convince me that without you I am nothing, that I have no purpose. You can go on to the next woman to do to her what you did to me, but now that you are gone, I see your games. But you can’t change what I’ve learned over the last year, and you can’t force me into a lifestyle I’m not ready for. Because of your absence, I am forced into a new way of thinking and it will be hard (my god you made it so easy) but I will learn new ways of security and a carefree lifestyle. I will keep my family in calm and attentiveness. Your disappearing act will mean nothing to me once I am on my feet again, having not sacrificed my morals. I will laugh at our ridiculous relationship and wonder how I fell into such a short sighted, meaningless situation.
Tonight I will listen to some gushy love songs. I will cry over my lost love. But in the morning, I will throw away your first love letter to me and move on.
Goodbye EI.